I've been on vacation this week, and so I've had a lot of time with my children, time to observe my own shortcomings and, unfortunately, the shortcomings of others. I remember coming across this list a few years ago and I hope it steps on all of our toes and helps us walk more circumspectly as parents.

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Colossians 3:21

1. Be angry. Go ahead, get good and angry yourself. This is what I caught myself doing initially, only I called it righteous indignation. Then God reminded me that I'm not righteous enough to be indignant. Remember that "the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God" (James 1:20).
2. Don't just argue with your kids. Argue with your spouse. It's not like you're supposed to be "one flesh" is it? (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5, 6; Mark 10:8; 1 Corinthians 6:16; Ephesians 5:31)
3. Dad, don't be the man. Mom, don't be the woman. This is an age of equality and liberation, right? Don't submit to your own husband as to the Lord. You be his head, don't let him be yours. You don't want to be subject to him do you? (Ephesians 5:22-24) Hey, dad. You don't want to love that old ball-and-chain, do you? You've got a big golf game this week and fantasy football and, oh, how the work is piling up at the office. Sit down and talk? You don't know when you last had five minutes to yourself, let alone to sacrifice it to her. (Ephesians 5:25-31).
4. Standards? Who can agree on standards? Lighten up! Toughen up! What these kids need is more rules! What these kids need is less rules! Be strict! Be lenient! Whatever you do, don't agree on the standards and don't strive for balance. Oh, sure, God got away with only ten rules that were very simple and very general. But we need at least five hundred rules that change at least as often as mom and dad's mood swings. And we'll waffle between enforcing and not enforcing. That'll keep the kids on their toes!
5. What's better than standards? Double standards! Do as I say, not as I do! Hear the Word of the Lord - just don't do it. (James 1:22) As long as you keep up that outward appearance, no one will know about those filthy, dead bones inside (Matthew 23:27).
6. Yell at those kids, yell, yell, yell all the way to church. Then smile and wave when you get there. (Philippians 4:9)
7. Pick a favorite. It's easy. You've always liked that one kid more than the others. Give him all the praise and let him get away with murder. (James 3:17)
8. It doesn't really matter if you can take the kids to the park this Saturday like you promised, as long as you make sure they never fail to keep a promise to anyone. Beat it into them. Their word should be good as gold. Yours, of course, means nothing. (Colossians 3:9)
9. Kids prefer you not talk to them. Its better if you avoid them, so they'll avoid you. You don't need to get to know them. They're just kids. Anything they need to know, they'll learn from someone - public school, friends, neighbors, sex offenders, drug pushers, the ACLU, etc. (Deuteronomy 6:7-9)
10. If you do have to talk them, make sure they look at you right in the eye and not fiddle with anything. Meanwhile, feel free to keep reading the paper or watching the news or writing on your blog when they demand your attention.
11. If you buy something and it breaks, return it to the store and get it replaced right away. After all, its important to you. If your child buys something and it breaks, throw it out - in front of them. Remind them they should have spent their money more wisely or save it instead of spending it on junk. That's all they ever want to buy - junk. Don't worry about their feelings. That's the beauty of a double standard.
12. If your child picks up a bug outside and wants to show it to you, be sure to show your disgust. You want to nip that behavior in the bud. After all, they may want to share something else they've discovered later in life with you. You wouldn't want that, would you?
13. Food. Clothing. Shelter. Hugs. Kisses. All over rated. (Philippians 2:4)
14. Let them run wild. Whatever doesn't kill them will make them stronger. Getting into mischief? That's just a part of growing up. (Proverbs 29:15) After all, you've got more important things to do than knowing where your kids are.
15. Under your thumb is the best place for them. Micromanage every detail of their miserable little lives. Demand absolute trustworthiness, but never show them that you might actually trust them. (James 3:17)
16. Expectations - high and unattainable are best. Children will be children, but not your children. Expect more. Demand more. After all, your raising future adults. Make them act like adults, even when they are in preschool. (1 Corinthians 13:11) You certainly shouldn't lighten up and have a sense of humor. If you did that, you might actually enjoy your children, which might lead to wanting to spend more time with them! After all, doesn't God expect more of you than you can handle? (1 Corinthians 10:13)
17. Children love comparisons. Here's where that favorite child comes in. "Why can't you be more like your sister?" (2 Corinthians 10:12) Of course, you could try to train them to compare themselves with God as the Standard, but then they might wonder why you don't do the same.
18. Bring up your child's faults to your friends. You can always get a good one-up story from your kids: "Oh, that's terrible. But would you believe what my son did?" Its even better if you do it in front of them. Then it's not gossip, just thoughtless and insensitive. (Titus 3:2; Proverbs 22:1) Run them in the ground. Show what a fool they are. Let them know what you really think about them. That'll give them something they can really live up to.
19. On the contrary, don't praise them! That might lead to pride. And you don't want that, unless it is your favorite child. Don't encourage them. (Proverbs 25:11)
20. A great way to avoid encouraging them with praise is to have a critical spirit. Criticism! Turn them into pessimists (it goes great with dispensationalism). Give them an ever growing list of do's and don'ts, especially don'ts.
21. If they do something you don't like in public, make a scene! (Matthew 18:15)
22. Really get worked up and start calling them names! (Ephesians 4:29) This is especially effective in front of your unsaved neighbors and family that you've been trying to reach for Christ. It will really pack the pews!
23. Jump in and start punishing quickly! Don't listen to them! Ignore their pleas! Why waste your time listening to their opinion or their side of the story? (Proverbs 18:13) Sure, you might punish a few innocents this way, but if you're going to make an omelet, you have to crack a few eggs, right? It's easier if you try to think of discipline as a means of punishing your child now, instead of training them for the future.
24. What better way to punish, than when you're angry? Yell at them! Talking to kids is just like talking to foreigners who don't speak your language: the louder you talk, the better they will understand you. (James 1:20) After all, they did this just to make you mad. Everything they do is aimed at getting your goat, pushing your buttons, whatever you want to call it. They're out to get you. They're the enemy. They're sinning against you, not God. (Or do you maybe think of yourself as God? Hmm...)
25. Be inconsistent. Punish today, don't punish tomorrow. If you do this enough, you can even develop a really fun cycle that will push you all over the edge. Discipline consistently - better behavior - more lenient discipline - behavior slips - discipline inconsistently - bad behavior reigns. (Ecclesiastes 8:11) For even more spice, one of you be the yeller and the other be the spanker. Oh, and forget about delayed obedience equaling disobedience. Just put off the discipline until you've really had it, then you'll be even more angry when you let them have it!)
26. Bring on the emotional abuse! Be mean! Harsh and unkind work for drill sergeants, why shouldn't it work for sensitive little kids? (Ephesians 4:31-32)
27. Bring on the physical abuse! That's why God gave you the little critters, so you can take out your bad days on them. Embarrassing you in front of your friends is unforgivable, right? (1 Timothy 3:3) Slap them, kick them, hit them, beat them. Just because you wouldn't do it to your dog, doesn't mean you can't do it to your kid? Why would you want to give yourself a time out first? Or, worse, pray for God to cool you off?
28. Never admit that your wrong! That's weakness! (Proverbs 16:18; Romans 12:3; Matthew 5:23-24)

Ouch. Well, I hope you read all those as negatively as I intended. This is how to provoke your children to anger, and I hope none of us want to do that. I hope we'll consider ways we've failed, ask God and our children to forgive us, and, through His strength, do better.

If I've missed something, please leave a comment. Don't take this as a chance to gossip about others or tell us how bad your parents were, but as a means to encourage us all to do a better job with our stewardship of God's treasures!